youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
