He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
