Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just high enough for therapy.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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