Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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