I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
