is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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