literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
