bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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