just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
