Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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