I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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