He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
