I need to stop coming to work sober
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
