Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
