i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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