You made me cry and you don't even care
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
