My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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