Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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