Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
