i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
