I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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