last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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