"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
