I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
