If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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