Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
