Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
