whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
