I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
