The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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