Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I could fuck to npr.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
