i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
