Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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