All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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