I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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