I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
