Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
