Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
