i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
