yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
