This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
