Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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