He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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