Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
