I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
