You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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