Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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