she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you still have your period?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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