it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
