my phone needs a breathalizer
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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