As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize