come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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