remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
