come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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