My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
