Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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